Nigerians I want God to leave for me on Judgment Day.

I have been collating a list since last December, hoping I can continue to develop it until I meet Baba God. But I became worried since yesterday that someone may take my job before God calls me home. I thought to share my list here so that those Nigerians who will not go to the barbeque fire (read as hell fire) can be my witness that I have long longed for this role.

Dear Baba God,

I am a Nigerian by force and not by choice. Still, I love some Nigerians. In fact, it is because of some Nigerians that I am proud to be a Nigerian and can associate with Nigeria. You know the tragedies that Nigeria has caused me, but I am not here to talk about that.

But Mama God (yes, you are not a man, but there are several suggestions that you could be a woman; hence, you are the breasted one, El Shadai), please, here is the list of those Nigerians I want you to reserve for me to handle on judgment day

Those who masquerade their low intelligence, low self-esteem and uncouth behavior as a demonstration of masculinity

Those bloggers and influencers who muddle important issues with their vague and sensational perspectives to cloud the judgment of a very gullible public.

Those ones that ask for proof when the evidence is staring them in the face. I remember during Mr. Farotimi’s case. They ask for evidence when all the evidence that they need was in his book. How did 10 hectares become 216.758? Some of them have still not read the book.

Those data boys and girls who make the hard work of nation-building more herculean for the rest of us because they are always the weapon fashioned against themselves.

Some Nigerian professionals across all sectors, both private and public, especially those who use pseudo-specialized knowledge to claim authority when we discuss issues of governance, justice, equality, and fairness. For instance, I have seen some lawyers on national television, and for the first time, I added their names to the list of evidence that I will show Mum to justify why I am glad I didn’t study law.

Some intellectuals who support inept politicians who write and look for postdocs, fellowships, or grants from the government and places that prioritize the same. These people have made me vacillate if I wanted to support ASSU wahala again, but I know there are good people in the system. I was once in it.

Some civil societies have become a paradox to their name, becoming a society that the elite weaponize against the masses interests. Some civil societies are worse than those parties that formed to become the "five leprous fingers" under Abacha.

Those ones that receive alerts or give away and become foot soldiers for the oppressors.

God, if you don't mind, include some Nigerians in the diaspora who defend rubbish in Nigeria but are scared to come to Nigeria for the same reason they call other wailers.

Mama God, thank you for doing this for me. My heart looks up to you as my face in this picture. Amen